Dear diary, this sucks.

This is sad, but before I wrote the first sentence, this blog post was intended to be about how awesome summer is, how awesome my friends are and my happiness...then I got a little off track and started talking about how much it sucks to be single right now. I swear I had good intentions, but I think it's also necessary for me to get this out before I go insane.

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It's 4th of July weekend and it's only just starting to feel like summer. Recently I've been trying to act my age. This might sound strange, but for the last year I've only been a work-a-holic. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, as most of you know by what you've been reading. But I've been feeling like I'm doing too much and not relaxing enough. I cant really say I have a stressful life because it really isn't too tiring, but I need to do more of nothing. When I say nothing, I mean I need to find that separation between work and my social life. It's very likely that I'm just on a social high since all my friends are finally home for the summer and that means I'm constantly with people. I definitely don't regret not going to college because I'm lucky enough to have found my career so early in life, but I sometimes wish I had a little bit more of the "college experience", meaning no work and all play.

I turned 21 a little over five weeks ago and my 21st birthday was a blast, and I'm pretty sure most people have a great time with the whole bar scene on their birthday. Since my birthday night, I had gone an entire 4 weeks before I went back out to try it all again...and I really enjoyed it again. I'm not a crazy partier for a few reasons, one because alcoholics are known in my family and I don't want to struggle those same demons, and also it's a huge waste of money to be spending my whole pay check on booze. I've been going out with the same group of friends the last few weekends and it's actually been a completely different experience than I thought it was. I guess you have to choose the right bar, but the scene is quite fascinating. We've been hitting up the same place and the people there are really chill. Before I was of age, I imagined the bars to be filled with retarded assholes who just wanted to fight. I'm sure plenty of bars are filled with those people, but it's been surprisingly sweet. Just as long as you're smart and don't attempt to drive drunk, you can have an awesome time relaxing with good people. I tried hookah the other night (which, I'll admit, I thought was just for weed and other crap) and it was pretty cool, as long as you limit yourself. I definitely got a little light headed.

And now comes my sob story. Here it goes. I'm sick of being single! Up until now I've honestly been cool with it and I haven't had time for it. I love life and what God has provided for me and I know he's going to provide me with an amazing woman...but I can't help but want it right about now. People always ask me why I don't have a girlfriend and why I've never had a serious one. I feel they get this "wow, what a loser" thought when they think about a 21 year old guy who has never had a serious girlfriend. I can careless about what people think but at the same time, I'm ready. It's funny because all the people at my store make fun of me because I get so ga-ga whenever a baby comes into my store. I don't know, I'm a freak I guess. I want lots of babies.

I know why I'm still single. It's because I have high standards. I'm not talking about looks (but I must say, if you're taller than me, it's not gonna work out. it will for some other guy, just not me), I'm talking about morals. I'm a Christian and some things I think should wait until you're in love. Sadly it's difficult to meet girls with morals at a party scene because all they want are douche bags who will make them feel important and have sex with them. That's not my type of girl. Quite a few girls from my high school class are exactly like that. They're not bad people, and they're actually cool, but they've just gone for the wrong things. They show up to class parties in barely legal-almost prostitute style skirts and come off as slutty. I don't want a slut, sorry. I've had a few hook ups over the last few years and it still left me feeling empty, which I must say, if you're looking for love, you won't find it if alcohol is involved.

THE FRIEND ZONE
Another problem of mine is probably the worlds worst thing ever...THE FRIEND ZONE. It sucks for guys who are actually interested in a girl and let it go too far. And when I say too far, I mean the point where you're just looked at as a friend and not a potential date. For any of you who are die-hards fans of the tv show, Friends...you will know what I mean. In the show, there is a character named Chandler Bing, he is known for being unbelievably sarcastic. In one episode, another character named Phoebe has a date with a psychiatrist who can tell why people do and talk the way they do, because he studies personalities I guess. So anyway, he meets Chandler and from his personality, he tells him that his sarcasm and jokes are a defense mechanism towards women. That has "ME" written all over it. I think I can be a little too sarcastic when it comes to meeting girls. They all think it's funny and I'll admit, they all really like me, but only as a friend after a while. I have a lot of friends and we tend to be sarcastic and funny. I think I use it more when I get nervous around a girl and it can probably turn her off a little. I don't know whose problem that is. I'm hoping it's the girls problem and that God will send me a woman who loves my sarcastic humor.


Now I'm going to go to bed. This weekend has really been awesome and summer is just starting. My life really does NOT suck, and I'm thankful for it. I'm just ready for the dating life to begin. I hope you all have an amazing 4th of July weekend! And for the other people who are reading from other counties and don't celebrate Independence Day, have a good night I guess.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? You wanna scream at me about something? Go ahead, just leave a comment below!

3 years happy and the SEX is still good.

Ok, you're probably thinking..."Wow Ben, that title is gross and wildly inappropriate!". Thats true, but then again, you're the one who clicked the blog and started reading...pervert..

HAHAHAHAHA! You actually clicked this thinking I was going to talk about sex. I can almost bet this will be one of my most popular posts just because of the title.

So anyways, I've made my mark and am still happy. I just had my 3 year anniversary with Starbucks and I'm so glad I made it this far. If Starbucks and I were married, we'd still feel like newlyweds and I'm sure the sex would be awesome. I'm officially done with the sex references. Back to what I should be writing about.

3 years ago, I had my interview for Starbucks on my 18th birthday. I was scared to death. I had never worked a real job before and I had very little experience. I had done a lot of yard jobs for neighbors and had been a male nanny for a really cool family for part of a summer. So when it came to Starbucks, I was more than ready. I'm pretty sure my manager at the time knew I was excited just by looking at my application. I wrote it beautifully but was unbelievably corny.

I first got a taste of the Starbucks atmosphere when I was about 11 or 12 when I went on one of my many adventures with my older sister to a Barnes & Noble where they had a Starbucks cafe. We did a lot of hanging out there and at another local coffee shop called Lula's Cafe in South Bend. At this point, there weren't any corporate Starbucks stores within 100 miles, so I was kind of limited. But every time, the experience was amazing and I knew right away that this profession would be my future. I wouldn't call it as much a profession as I would call it a way of life. Everyday, I see people that either fill me up with so much joy or people that completely piss me off...thank God the latter is to a minimal. Sadly, I could probably remember every little detail about the day I got the call informing me that I got the job. It was a few weeks after junior year in high school and I was at a local high school taking the SATs and when I got out of the building, I went to my car where my cell phone was located (since we weren't allowed to bring our cell phones with us) and I saw the two greatest phrases on my phone -1 MISSED CALL- and -ONE VOICEMAIL-. I knew almost instantly that it was going to be a great day, and it was.

----My first store was the newest store in the city and the most poorly located store. It was on Portage Road and was a bridge away from the ghetto. It had the worlds smallest advertising sign. Most people didn't even know the store existed. It was placed in the middle of a McDonalds and a Meijers grocery store. Don't get me wrong, it was probably my favorite store I've worked at, my current store has the best people, but the Portage store was the most well built. There was a limited supply of teenage girls to hit on and mostly consisted of stay-at-home moms. It was a slow store that barely provided a morning rush. But it was amazing.

----My next store was decent. I'll leave it that.

----But my third and current store is amazing. It has an amazing crew and super cool customers. Some of them read my blog so I'm gonna say it...CRISTIN AND STEVE ARE CRAZY!

Now here is a list of some of my unusual experiences over the last 3 years.
-Old people coming into my first store to order a Double Cheeseburger.
-A homeless woman sneaking into the cafe during the middle of the night while the milkman delivers the goods. Let's just say she scared the shit out of the openers the next morning.
-The guy who took a crap in the middle of the bathroom.
-Having two robberies happen next door to us (literally 20 feet away from our entrance) without us knowing.
-Once last summer on a very hot day, all the pipes in my old building clogged somehow and therefore all the floor drains overflowed. Let's just say it smelt like a dumpster filled with chunky milk and poop.
-We had a customer who I'm almost positive is schizo because people witnessed him talking to himself a few times. I felt bad cause the guy was always really cool to me. He usually came through the drive-thru to get his white chocolate mocha Frappuccino, but one day he came in, I rang him up on the register and gave him back his change, and out of no where, he chucks the change at the back of my fellow baristas head and starts screaming at him. It all ended a minute later.
-We had a customer who came in once in a while, but one day he would come in dressed as a man, and then the next day come dressed as a woman. I wouldn't have judged him if he didn't stare at me the entire time he was in my cafe.
-We had a ridiculous amount of people who would run into somebody else's car while waiting in line in drive-thru. I'm not too sure how they all managed to do that.
-Once a lady in her mid-forties asked me if I was into cougars...



THANKS STARBUCKS!

Barista Dangers: the deaths of a coffee ninja.

AH! I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. I know there isn't any good excuse. Thank you to all my loyal readers who are reading from almost 20 countries, you guys rock! I trust the last month has treated you all nicely. Now onto the blogging. Today's post in on the dangers of my job.

Being a Starbucks barista requires you to carry a lot of baggage with you, and that can range from kickass customers all the way to your everyday stalker. But it can also cause physical pain. In my 3 years, I have been cut all over my body by anything sharp that lives in the cafe, such as the metal coffee brewer edges, knives hiding in the bubble-filled sinks, the underneath edges of the espresso machine, and even the drains that we clean daily. Some other dangerous objects include broken ceramic coffee cups, floor mats (that are very easy to trip over when in a rush), wet floors, spilled milk, open oven doors, brooms, trash cans, and probably the most popular....running into other baristas.

So aside from being physically hurt by inanimate objects and a few fellow baristas, we now get to the customers. Now they don't physically hurt us, but some are known for trying to physically "get to know" us. I'm talking about the creeps. If you are a creep, then yes, you should be offended. There is a big difference between hugs (with us knowing) and trying to rape us when we aren't looking. Starbucks has a very wide variety of customers. For example, the stay-at-home moms, working husbands, business people, old people, cops, teens and tweens, high school girls, even more high school girls, more old people, douche bags, nice people, FREAKING AWESOME people, your mom, your girl friend, creepers, touchy people, scary old guys, and just a few normal people. Oh did I mention the cougars? Well there are quite a few of those.

One of the many great gifts about my place of employment is the amount of generous regulars. Around the holidays, especially Christmas, the cafe and drive-thru gets slammed. And having a packed house usually results in slightly stressed out baristas, so the regulars know how to cheer us up. You would think we would be cool with getting just a smile and a "Hello!", but today, these kids are all about the money. So please tip us! Regulars are generally really cool about doing this. They are also cool about bringing us cookies or some kind of candy and we always appreciate it. But then again, one of our customers gave us a bag of candy right after Easter. We were all excited until we took a bite and realized it must have been "Dollar Store" candy.....it tasted like crap. Thanks a lot Pastor Tony. But we still love you.

Speaking of tips, I guess you could include this in our lists of barista deaths. These days, it seems like everyone is underpaid and for a barista it feels especially so. Being a barista can be a high-stress, fast-paced job. I'm not complaining but it's not the place you want to work if you plan on sitting around being lazy, because it won't happen. So, as opposed to license Starbucks stores (the Starbucks that are in a grocery store or Barnes & Noble), we're allowed to accept tips. If you ever wake up one morning and ask yourself "How can I really piss someone off today?", just walk into a Starbucks and attempt to take money out of our tip jars so that you don't have to break a dollar. Oh yeah, your arm will be cut off on the spot and probably fed to some sort of rodent...NO MERCY! We WILL kill you. It's interesting, because the majority of people who try to take change out of our jars so that they don't have to break a dollar are usually higher class customers, you know, the ones driving the Mercedes parked out front. I have witnessed a few girls I work with literally flip out when someone tries to touch our jars. My favorite part about it all is when the customer then tries to argue with us. They say "But it's only 45 cents!". Yeah, we understand that, but it's not your money! At my old store, this giant wank actually argued with me and my fellow barista for ten minutes...and we still didn't cave. Just go home sir.

My Starbucks is located in a tiny strip mall, connected to a Sprint store, a Fedex Kinkos, and on the other end, a Game Stop. In the last 6 months, that Game Stop has been held up and robbed twice. The scary part is, seeing that their store opens after us and closes before us, I was in the same building while the robbery happened. At the end of it, the employees weren't harmed and were fine. The other day, one of the employees came into my cafe to get a "Crappy Hour" Frappuccino for half the price, and while she was waiting for her drink, she was telling us all about the robbery and to her luck, she was in the store both times. It brought back a memory of a few months ago when I got home after a close and came upstairs to my mom watching a crime show about Starbucks baristas who were robbed and killed while closing the store. I swear if that happens to me, I'll be pissed. I later thanked my mom for watching such a ridiculous show and giving me nightmares that will scar my life.

Now to lighten the mood, I will share a few fun facts that have occurred over the last few months.
1. A clown came through my drive-thru.
2. A fellow barista of mine argued with a guy at 6AM that we could, in fact, NOT make him an Iced coffee HOT. She offered him a hot brewed coffee and he refused and continued to say he wanted a iced coffee HOT. After slamming the window on him and having somebody else help him, they figured out that he wanted an iced coffee with no ice in it...
3. If you and your lover are in my cafe, on my couch, making out in front of many many customers, I will ask you to take your business elsewhere.
4. "The customers is always right", unless I'm right...then you're shit out of luck.
5. If you ask me to blend up your medicine in your Frappuccino, I will refuse.
6. Sir, I am not being racist when I say black coffee.

this is the picture of that clown. my co-worker took a picture of the drive-thru camera screen...

THIEF! THIEF! My Christmas past.

Ok, so let's be honest now. I'll tell you about how horrible of a child I was. Nobody ever believes me because I'm such a nice person, or so they tell me. So this story makes it even more fun to tell. When I was nine, I had a family that lived behind my house through a little patch of trees, and one Christmas, out of no where I decided to steal presents from their house. I didn't actually come up with a plan to steal from them, it was just one of those spur-of-the-moment type situations. I went over to their house and they went home, so I decided to walk in their UNLOCKED door. AGAIN, I barely remember most of this since it was 12 years ago, but going inside seemed like a good idea at the time. And if you know my family and how much my family procrastinates, you know that Christmas presents are not wrapped and placed under the tree until Christmas eve, because one of the nine kids in my family would most likely try and open them. I think I only stole 3 gifts. One being a dolphin clock (which I later went and rewrapped to give to my older sister), a #1 Dad coffee cup, and something else. I obviously wasn't a very good thief because the next morning, they noticed those gifts were missing, and then proceeded to follow my child size footprints from their back door to my house. Here comes Christmas morning, were all in the middle of opening presents at my house when the family knocks on our door. I was scared to death! I guess I offered them my gifts that I "bought" myself. They later called the cops on me. Police showed up. They scared me even more. My parents grounded me to my room for an entire day. Everyone found out about it and I was forever embarrassed about the whole thing. Since then, every Christmas we retell the story. It's become a nice Christmas ritual. But that part changed my life, because I turned into a really good kid. I never got in trouble in school, never got a detention, only an in-school suspension for forging my moms signature in third grade, but that was right before that christmas, so it's all good. I've received one speeding ticket, which actually isn't on my record because I paid for drivers Ed by myself and got a deferral for it. Oh yeah, and since that Christmas 11 or 12 years ago, my nickname has been the Grinch, thanks to my older brothers.

Oooooh man. I have many more stories that I will share later on. Peace out

Summer Adventures.

 This is what you call a "half-ass" post. Sorry.

This summer will be different, filled with a lot of the same events, but a few different people.
Last summer kicked butt, I was almost always busy, but it was filled with a little bit of stress. This summer, not so much. For one, since I moved back home, I don't have to worry about paying $445 a month for rent. Plus, I got a newer car that has very little mechanical problems and seeing that my old car was a stuck up little douche bag, that will be a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

One of the coolest things about this summer is....wait for it.....I will be 21!! Yes, I have been waiting for this day for a while now. Its not really about getting wasted all the time, because let's face it, I can't afford to. I have an awesome job with many responsibilities and I'm also not stupid enough to drink that much. Well, we'll see about that.

Since I had the world's least dependable car last year, I will now be able to go to the beach all the time like my family has done the last few years. One year, we literally went probably 3 or 4 times a week. It was amazing!

This post is really random but the weather has been awesome the last few days and it only excites me even more to make a "Trip to the beach" mix. It's a little cheesy. Some of the songs I'm embarrassed to include, but they're painfully addicting for a beach trip with a car full of people.

          -Yolanda Be Cool- No Americano
          -Michael Jackson- The Way You Make Me Feel
          -Kid Cudi- Up Up and Away
          -VV Brown- Shark in the Water
          -Neon Trees- Animal
          -Trey Songz- Say Aah
          -Rihanna- Rude Boy
          -K'naan- Wavin Flag
          -Justin Bieber- Baby  (don't judge me)
          -Ben Folds- You Don't Know Me
          -Taio Cruz- Dynamite
          -Lady Gaga- Bad Romance
          -Mac Miller- Knock Knock
          -Jason Mraz- I'm Yours
          -M.I.A.- Paper Planes
          -Michael Jackson- Black or White
          -Black Eyed Peas- I Gotta Feeling
          -Outkast- Hey Ya

  
Ok, bye.

Things that make me go "HAHAHAhahaHA!" ::PART ONE::

Basically, this is a list of things that make me laugh (either because it is unbelievably stupid...or actually funny). I know I could probably come up with a better post, BUT it's 2:54AM and I really don't care at this point. This may also be full of a few stereotypes, so I'm sorry in advance.

I LAUGH AT...
1. people who drive Hummers and the way they automatically think they're the shit.
2. people who think they know my job better than me.
3. people who come through my drive-thru and ram their car into the big yellow pole.
4. people with trashy cars and big, shiny rims.
5. old people.
6. the way former President Bush speaks.
7. the need to look like you're texting someone when walking by yourself so you don't look like a loser without any friends.
8. the times I ask customers at my Starbucks if they'd "like fries with that" and waiting for their reaction.
9. old people who try to dress like they're 23.
10. 40-year old woman who try to hang out with 20 year olds.
11. the lousy customer service at Walmart.
12. people who are jerks and speed ahead of everyone and then later you pass them because they got pulled over by the cops.
13. Cher's speaking and singing voice.
14. the creepy feelings myself and my fellow male baristas get when getting hit on by gay men.
15. the way people at the Dollar Store always know when I'm going to see a movie because of my large amount of candy and pop.
16. when black guys walk with their pants passed their crotch.
17. blondes who purposely act ditsy.
18. how boring South Bend is.
19. a girl who pointed out that black woman consume most of our sugar at Starbucks and white guys who try to act tough by asking for a black coffee then load it up with a bunch of crap at the condiment bar.
20. the way bitchy people get even more pissed off when you act really nice to them.
21. the times when cars full of teenge girls pull up in the drive-thru.
22. the moment the boy who used to always call me gay because I had a little lisp growing up walked inside my Starbucks hand-in-hand with his boyfriend......awkward.
23. the way husbands/boyfriends look while waiting for their wives/girlfriends as they shop in Victoria's Secret.
24. the actors who promote skin care commercials as they complain about the entire 3 pimples they've had to deal with during their life, as people with REAL skin acne suffer.
25. Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin//just Sarah Palin in general makes me cry a little.

MORE TO COME...

Why Starbucks is awesome

I like to brag about my job, and I'm sure a lot of you know that. So I'm going to explain exactly why. I'm also writing this because at the moment, my mom is watching her soap operas..and if I have to listen to one more second of the pathetic lives of those on Days of Our Lives, I might just kill myself a little.

FREE FREE FREE
          So lets start with the free stuff. As a Starbucks barista, we are all entitled to a free beverage on each of our breaks (including 30 minutes before work, our 2 ten-minute breaks, a thirty-minute meal, and 30 minutes after work). Any kind, any size. So as you can expect, when I first started working their back in 2008, I probably gained 10 lbs just after my first week there. And I can bet almost everyone does. It's sort of like Starbucks' own "freshman fifteen". They want each partner to be able to give their own personal explanations and experiences of each beverage in case a customer asks for our opinion. It's actually pretty tight. We get to eat and drink a lot. Eventually baristas get past the point of overload and cut down on their Frappuccino consumpion. Another thing that Starbucks pays attention to is the freshness of their coffee. So we have to dump our coffee every thirty minutes, whether it was touched or not. Dumping perfectly good pastries/mocha sauce/coffee simply because it has passed Starbucks' expiration point breaks my heart everytime. As I pour that "expired" mocha down the sink, I cry out "No! no! nO! NO!"....but in my head. Sadly the coffee giant teaches us how to hide our pain.
           So along with a free beverage on every break, we are allowed to get a free markout EVERY week. That means a free pound of coffee or a free tin of tea. Yeah, it's amazing. It's about $5,200 of free whole bean coffee every year. Now that's a good deal!

FUN FUN FUN
          Now to work at Starbucks you have to be a little sarcastic.....ok, you have to be very sarcastic. We as a group tend to be loud and obnoxious. Depending on what part of town you work at, customers love it or hate it. But our "Customer Voice" scores are amazing. My store usually receives a 100% on friendliness. But like most work places, if the day is crazy, we can get cranky, but if its slow...we really get to do our jobs. One criteria of our job is to be awesome--awesome at making drinks, awesome at giving our opinions, awesome at dealing with crappy rich snobs who think they rule the world, and awesome at selling stuff.--but they best part is, we like to be creative. Creativity flows like fresh hot mocha....it's ALL OVER THE PLACE! We get to be designers, comedians, professionals, kids, da bombs, and most importantly...the best part of your day. Many times throughout our shift, we get people who have lousy days in general, and the second they arrive to our store, they immediately feel better because we are good at putting a smile on their faces. I know it sounds corny, but it makes us feel good that we were able to "turn that frown upside down".

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
So over the last 3 years, I have met a ton of baristas who are either dating or are married to someone they met while working together at Starbucks or who were at one point a customer of theirs. I can count off hand 12 couples who met at Starbucks. It's pretty astonishing. I have always thought that one day, I will most likely marry a woman who was once a customer of mine or a coworker. It's bound to happen, I swear. That's another cool thing about my workplace...it's flocking with woman! Hello ladies....

religion.

          I've been absent from this blog for a little while due to the lack of motivation and time, but mostly the motivation. In the last few months I have shifted from an early-EARLY morning person to a late-LATE night person..I definitely prefer the former (because it meant I would get off of work at 1pm the latest and have the rest of the day free, as opposed to starting work at 1pm like I do now). It's ok. I'm over it. But it does mean that by the time I get home from work, all I wanna do is relax....which usually consists of Facebook stalking and, well, relaxing. But I tend to think of this blog more than normal now, because all I want to do is write. It also doesn't help that South Bend feels like Seattle at this point. It's always cold and wet and cloudy outside..

I think I'm suffering from a winter depression...AHHH. I love the winter up until New Years is over and I can't look forward to another holiday for awhile.

"Isn't it the time when our lives seem the darkest that God's glory shines the brightest."
====================
          For awhile now, I keep getting an urge to write about religion. Not entirely sure where this will lead, but I'll give it a shot.

          As I grew up, I was raised Catholic. It's pretty obvious, just look at the size of my family. (9 children) But I never felt like it was right for me. I'm not trying to describe it like coffee, some people love bold coffee, others hate it, so we move on...I'm trying to say I personally never felt touched by God in the Catholic church. Going to church was something that I was forced to do by my parents, whether I liked it or not. And I can honestly say I'm glad they made me go, but in the end, I was never happy with it. I felt like it was way too old-fashioned and traditional. I'll agree, some people feel closest to God when they are worshiping in that type of scene, and that is awesome! But for me, I needed to be emotionally moved. I feel closest to God when I see people's lives dramatically change. I believe in miracles and I strongly believe God intended for us to have those amazing gifts, to help bring everyone closer to His love. For me, the Catholic church meant an hour where you went inside of a building, sat down and shut up while you did the same thing every weekend in the same order. Sit down, kneel, stand up, sing a hymn, sit down, be quiet, get the body of Christ, then leave. I don't mean to bash anybody reading this who is Catholic, this is just how I felt while going to church at the time. All I can say is that I never felt spiritually changed or closer to God in this place of worship, and it made me really upset that I couldn't feel the love of God there. Sometimes, I would walk in the church and feel judged just for wearing jeans that Sunday, as if God really cared what I was wearing, or (with a family like mine), we would almost always be 2 minutes late for mass, and as we would walk in, I would feel some hate or disgust radiating off of peoples' faces.

MY CHURCH
    For the last 2 years, I have been apart of Granger Community Church. To me, it is one of the most spiritually filled places I have ever been. It is called a "community church", but if you want to get technical, its a Methodist church. It is a very large church and is filled with people immensely inspired by God. In the Catholic church, you would never find someone raising their hands as they worship God, but at GCC, it's not very unusual. Art and music are a huge part of their worship, and for a person like me, it emotionally steers me towards Jesus Christ everyday. No one is perfect, and no one ever will be, except for Jesus, but that place feels like home. When people ask me what religion I am, I sometimes get that "aww crap" feeling because I have to tell the people, who a lot of the times are Catholic, that I was raised Catholic but am now Methodist. I know as a follower of Christ, I shouldn't get ashamed of being..well, not Catholic, but it happens. I'm working on that. Sometimes I don't even like to put a label on what type of follower I am. I believe in God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. I believe in miracles. I believe in loving each other. And I believe the devil exists the screw us up.

          I have been reading a book called "The Me I Want To Be", and it was describing how people have completely different ways of worshiping God and different ways in which they feel closest to Him. Some people feel closest to Him in nature, some while listening to music, some while in church, some when they are surrounded by lots of people and some when they are all alone.

 Again, I wasn't really sure where I was going with this. Just needed to vent a little bit.


"It's impossible to let God down, because you were never holding Him up."

LAZY DAY

So Wednesdays and Sundays are two of the greatest days of the week. I know, really weird days to get excited about, but these are my break days. Don't get me wrong, I really love my job, but some days I just need to rest. You're probably thinking "Really Ben? You're tired? You don't even go to school!". Yes, that is true because I made a choice not to go to school. For one, if I went to school, it would make it a little difficult to work for the #3 Food Company of the "Fortune 500" companies. Being a shift manager at 20 years old is pretty bomb, if I may say so myself.

Anyways...back on subject. The point of this blog is to talk about how my day was...not to be self-indulgent or anything. My black friend Jill was in town ( I know there isn't any reason to point out that she's black, but we tease each other since we always get made fun of for being friends, since I'm a white guy and she's a taller black girl). She goes away for college but when she gets back in town, we pretty much do the same...exact...thing. South Bend, Indiana is known for being lame so we TEAR THIS TOWN APART by doing the following // going to the mall,  getting food, driving around, going to dollar general, then a movie //

          The mall is usually the first place we hit up. Normally we park right in front of the food court because, being fat ass Americans, we need our orange chicken from Panda Express. Its da bomb! After we slam down that meal in 10 minutes. We try to walk off those calories in the mall. Our mall just opened an Apple Store and it is tiiight. Its pretty interesting to go on the computers and iPads and count how many people log on to their Facebooks (that they haven't checked in an entire 3.8 seconds) and forget to log out. So as I was on an iPad, I noticed a girl forgot to log out of her Facebook. Being the respectful, honest young man...I decided to change her status. Don't worry, I didn't say anything THAT bad.

          Next, we usually drive around Grape Road (which is loaded with stores and other crap) and find something to do there. Eventually we got bored, and when this happens, we resort to going to a movie. Now, being intelligent fat-ass Americans, we NEVER buy the candy and pop from the theatre itself...we hit up Dollar General! Jill usually has a huge over-sized purse with her, so we just fill that right up with pop, candy, and sometimes chips and secretly sneak it into the theatre with us. We tried to stretch all this out because it was quite a while before "Meet the Fockers" started, but of course we got into our seats 35 minutes before the movie actually began. AND THE MOVIE WASN'T EVEN THAT GREAT!

          After all of that was over, I went home, watched American Idol with my family (which has strangely enough been a family event for 9 seasons....yeah yeah, don't hate), then of course got on Facebook and now I am writing this crap of a blog post.

TODAY WAS SO STRESSFUL!      not

Tomorrow morning I will tell you all about a project that I am soon to begin working on!

         

Dear Mr. President,

-Lower the freakin gas prices. I remember when gas was $0.97 a gallon. now...$3.19. RIDICULOUS! With gas at this price, I can't afford to be a fat-ass American anymore, forcing me to get a gym membership and all. damn.

-I don't mind paying a little for responsible PoPo, but the ones who use their power to go through red lights (almost crashing into innocent people) and then pulling into McDonalds, need to be taken out back..just sayin. Do something about this. Make a CHANGE. Get more PoPo like Ron.

-When it comes to healthcare, well...I don't mind having it for free. I'm a human-being. I think I deserve it.

-Foodstamps, I say you require drug tests for those who ask for them..no question. I can say this because one, my family works very hard, but needs a little help and two, I see lots of people who just advantage of it while doing drugs and somehow still abandon their kids. Add them to the list of people who need to be taken out back.

-Abortion is the worst thing ever invented. No excuse for it. Sorry ladies, I don't care how difficult life is, no reason to kill a baby. There's an old saying, "Life's hard". Mr. President, I want to punch you for making this option more accessible. Woman's rights? Bullshit. How bout a baby's rights? Make a CHANGE. Get rid of it.

-Death penalty is also crap. At the end, you're still killing a person. Let the rapist, murderer, child molester suffer in prison the rest of his life. God will have His own vengence.

I have more to say, but I have a job. I'll add more later.

-Sales tax....if the price tag says $6.97, just make us pay $6.97.

Things you can find in a Starbucks.

The other night I was working and found something in the cafe. I knew right away that a short post would come from this "find".

At Starbucks, we have a task called a "cafe check", meaning before every break, we take a short stroll around the store cleaning up tables, taking trash out of the container labeled "Dirty Dishes",  wiping down edges, picking up used napkins and tissues, spot-sweeping the floors, and getting talked to by really old people who blabber on about their grandchildren and how expensive our drinks are.

So yesterday I was wandering around the cafe, not only because I had to, but because I was unbelievably bored, and fell upon a piece of paper. Usually my first thought is, "Man, what lazy customer got my store confused with a landfill again?" and then picked it up to notice that it was a coupon for a free 11-15 pound turkey. YES! It didn't have a name on it so I didn't feel too bad about not saving it, and hey, I get a free turkey for "giving blood"!

Another random thing I found yesterday while doing a cafe check was a drawing of a naked lady. What was even more strange was that on the other side of the naked-lady drawing was a list of drinks that the person was going to order, including a Venti Peppermint Mocha and a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte. I feel a little weird saying this, but the drawing was actually not too bad. We now know who got an A+ in art class...

And of course, throughout my 3 years with the company, I find the usual wallet or purse (which I don't see how people can forget because with my old car that I had for 4 years, I had one set of keys and not once did I ever lose them), but people tend to leave their belongings quite a bit.

CRAP! Yes, I said it...crap. Ok, it wasn't in the cafe itself, but it was in the bathroom. PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET! Not only is it disgusting, but just rude. I don't go to your house, take a crap, and NOT flush it, so don't do it at my Starbucks. One of my friends at another local Bux told me of a horror story about somebody taking a dump in the middle of the bathroom floor. I said it, ON THE FLOOR! Apparently, during the rush (Starbucks' busiest 3-hour period of the day), some guy decided that he was unable to make it another 2 feet to the toilet and had to poop on the floor. The baristas were all pre-occupied with their crazy customers at the time, so it had to sit for a few hours. They had to close the bathroom while someone cleaned it, floor to ceiling. Glad it wasn't my store.

MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! yeah.....that usually just goes into our tip jar.

One time I found a shoe. I was so blown away, I didn't know what to think. I mean, a shoe. How do you leave a place and forget your other shoe. I mean, I can sort of understand if it was at the beach or a pool, where its not unusual to walk to your car barefoot, but this was at a cafe...No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service.

Now when it comes to other restaurants' food, I really don't mind if you bring it in with you, but don't leave it for us to clean up. My new store is across the street from an Arby's and next door to a Steak 'n Shake, and my other stores were next door to Panera and McDonalds, so we get that crap a lot. We baristas, bring in other food ALL THE TIME, but we clean up after ourselves. Do it again and I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

The only things I can really handle are notes customers leave for us. Whether they're bitchy or thankful, they're always interesting to read and pass along to our fellow coworkers.

I swear, next time somebody leaves trash...and I catch them, I'm going to walk up to them and start singing the Barney song, i swear I will...listen to it below

This is what happens when you go to a Starbucks that is predominantly women. You get nicknames.

NEW YEAR! last year recap--new year expectations.

 Now this post is about everything I'm thankful for and everything that you (and I) can expect from me this year.          
          So 2010 had been everything but boring. It had been filled with learning, working, relaxing, working, losing friends and making better ones, and of course...more working. Yes, Starbucks has controlled my life for just over two and a half years now, but it has been some of the greatest moments of my life. Since I was thirteen, I had wanted to work there after my first experience at the Barnes & Noble cafe. I knew it was love at first sight...and I didn't let go of it until I officially started working for the real thing shortly after my 18th birthday. Now two and a half years later, I can proudly say I have received a very sweet promotion and have moved up the ladder. Along with the promotion came a move to a new store, and I am more than excited to be there. The store is alot slower than my old store was, so it invites the true Starbucks experience. It is full of awesome coworkers who love their job, and tight customers who treat us like family. Not only is the new store amazing, but it is less than 5 minutes away from my house, as opposed to the 25-minute trip to my old store. I love my job!

Hello ladies..
          I am going to make a very short comment about GIRLS real quick. This might sound cheesy and a little out there, but I didn't start blogging so I could become a cold, shiny, hard, plastic person; I started it so I can be more honest about myself. At the beginning of high school, having a girl friend ruined my experience. I'm not bashing this girl at all, because it wasn't about her. But I let a girl get in the way of friends and I let the whole thing control my life for a short while. I realized it was very stupid and told myself I wasn't going to let it happen again. I have also been through alot with friends who have completely given up friendships for girls or boys, and I realized I didn't want to be that person. Now high school is over. Thank God.
          I am now an adult, which is very weird to say, but the same goes with girls. I haven't had a serious girlfriend yet, and it has its pros and cons, and I still thank God for everything He has given me in life. But I am ready. Ready to move on with my life. I have complete and total trust in God and know he will lead me the right way...and to the right woman :) That is for the million people who have been telling me for the last two or three years that I would make the perfect boyfriend/husband.  (p.s. this wasn't as short as I thought it would be)

MOVING ON...
          Le Vehicule- In my last post or two, I had spoken about my car situation. One of the reasons I moved back home was to save for a car because I feared my current mode of transportation was on its last few miles. Well low and behold, a week or two after I moved back home, my '95 Lumina crapped out on me. Just died. It was kaput and not very subtle about it. It decided it was done with me at 4:30AM when I was on my way to work, and then the next car I attempted to use to get to work had a flat tire. That morning was not fun. Anyways, it wanted to steal all of my money by threatening to cost more than its worth to fix it. I didn't buy into any of its bulls**t and left it for another car. Yeah, that's right, I left it on the street to rot and die and went and bought a heck of a steal (1999 Chevy Malibu) for $1,300. yeah boi! Not only was this car a steal, but it has a working driver-side window, working air and heat, working cruise control, and the best part.....A CUP HOLDER! All of this my old Lumina didn't have. Oh and it has better gas mileage.
                 And to fill you in on it, I was going to do something very stupid, like buy an almost brand new car, and a few hours before I got to the dealership, somebody had traded the Malibu in. So God decided He wanted to show off a little by providing me with this crazy deal. And He saved me a bunch of money.

          My job- Like I already said, about 2 weeks ago. I was promoted up to shift manager and sent to an amazing store. yeah buddy.

          Friends- This is a big one, and possibly one of the greatest. Not to sound conceited, but I have alot of great friends--old ones and new ones. But this year especially has brought some of the coolest. Having truly great friends is a hard thing to discover in life. You don't always know who you can trust and you don't know who will always be there. At the beginning of the summer, I met a ton of awesome people, and I give Starbucks the credit. It's so cool to find people with similar taste in personalities such as sarcasm, movies, FOOD, and who also love to be extremely lazy and enjoy doing nothing but sit around and laugh all night long at your local Starbucks. That's what I did most of the summer. And because of this, I lacked sleep.

          Patience- I am so happy that I have picked this up and this year taught me well. I really had to learn to be more patient with myself and other people. Drama is something that needed to be avoided and I think it has made me a better person, especially in the work place. I had to deal with people that really pushed my buttons and at some points made me lose the love for them and my job. I have written about bullies and that was one thing I had to stand up to, for myself and my peers, and I am glad I did it. There is no excuse to treat someone with such disrespect and there is definitely no excuse to bully someone. And when it comes to talking crap about people, just stop. It doesn't make you look any better and definitely doesn't move you up on the "respect" scale. All of this has given me the confidence to stand up for whats right and I know I will always do it.

          Body of a god-........yeah...ANYWAYS! So I don't come off as an insecure person (at least I don't think I do) and I probably don't have any reason to, but shockingly, I have many insecurites. This might sound really stupid and not a huge deal to other guys my age, but again, bullying can screw people up. All through grade school I was made fun of by this one kid (and funny enough, I'm actually friends with him on Facebook), and he always made fun of my weight. I don't think I ever made a big deal about it at the time, but it is something that has always stayed with me. Sure, I was chubby, but I was also only like...12. So it's expected. He tormented me all through grade school and always found something to make fun of. To this day, and I'm 20 years old, it still bugs me. So this year I am making a change and it's fo' sho this time. I'm getting in shape. Not only am I doing it to become a more secure person, which I do realize I need to love myself more (as Dr. Phil says), but I'm doing it for all the people with the same insecurities as me. In a way, I want to thank this bully for making me this much stronger. It sounds cheesy, and I can't believe I'm actually going to say this, but "if I can do it, then anybody can". God loves me and always wants the best for me, so I have to meet Him half way.

                 This blog will officially be a place for me to share how this next adventure of "working out" transforms.
          Which also means more frequent blog updates. Stay tuned.

2011 will be awesome!

Starbucks Winter Hibernation.

I read quite a few blogs and the one thing that has always ticked me off a little is when the blogger leaves a 3 week gap between posts. I promised myself I would never do that....FAIL! So I apologize to the hundreds of people reading my blog and I will never do it again....I hope.

Hibernate like a bear.
          Anyways, part of the reason I haven't posted in so long is because of my abnormal amount of prolonged sleep. A few weeks after moving back home, my automobile decided to crap out on me, leaving me stranded to share my grandma's old 1987 Grand Marquis (which gets about 12 mpg) with my parents, who both have jobs. I guess part of the reason I moved back home in the first place is so that I can afford a new vehicle, so I'm lucky it happened now than at my old apartment. But since I am without a car, I have lost motivation to do just about anything and everything. So sleep has been my friend lately, for the most part. Not only do I blame my dead car, but I also blame daylight-savings time because it gets dark at 6pm and is nothing but depressing. I just want to thank God for a new car that I am soon to purchase and amazing friends who are always willing to pick me up when I am stuck at home.

"This doesn't taste like my drink"--"Is your name Bob?"--"No."--"Well that's why."
          Please do not be this type of customer. I'm just saying, I will look down at you if you do this to me. I guarantee this is on every barista's list of "Top Ten Most Annoying Customer Habits" and believe me, you do NOT want to be on this list.

So when you walk into Starbucks, you get in line and place your order at the register. Now any barista with an IQ of 32 will know that they need to mark your cup and label what drink it is, and preferredly put your name on the cup...then the person on bar makes the drink to standard and calls the drink out (and name, if labeled) to the person, NICE AND LOUD. And depending on how "rockstar" the bar person is, they can get many drinks out pretty quickly with the help of fellow baristas.======Now, as a customer, DO NOT go to the handoff counter and grab whatever cup you think is yours and just start drinking it before you actually know that it is, in fact, your drink. I am asking you to please please check for your name and please ask a barista for help in finding your drink. So many customers come up to the counter, see a drink, and automatically assume that the drink is theirs. I don't mind that you think your drink was magically hand-crafted from the time you walked from the register to the hand-off counter in 3.7 seconds, but just double check. It is far less irritating to check a drink for you than to remake a drink because you decided to drink out of someone else's cup.

OH! and as sad and gross as it sounds, I have had many-a-customer drink out of someone else's drink, realize their mistake, and then have the audacity to tell me, "I barely drank out of their cup, you don't need to remake their drink, they won't ever know"....excuse me? How do I know that you don't have mad-cow disease, swine flu or some other creepy disease?

Dear Mother Nature, keep the snow to yourself!

          I have spoken before about my bi-polar customers, but today they are not an issue. This morning I woke up to the blinding sight of white. No, not my white ceiling, but the disgusting brightness of ....wait for it.....SNOW. And guess what tomorrows forecast calls for....60's and sunny. I guess that's what happens when your parents decide to breed in this place called South Bend, Indiana. It really isn't a bad place, especially if you like to enjoy all 4 seasons. But weeks like this make me want to swallow a bottle of Zoloft. One day, nice and sunny but cool--next day, nice and sunny, but warm--next day, SNOW. Now those bi-polar customers don't sound so bad.

          The snow only reminds me that the time is coming when I have to be shut in this house ALL THE DAMN TIME. I might die a little. I was really spoiled to be given 8 months of quietness away from my family. It was amazing. But now that I am back, for the most part, stress in terms of money is minimal. The fact that I don't have to worry about stretching a paycheck to last one entire month is a blessing....but it IS possible, and now I know that I can make money last. Sometimes I think I would trade $500 a month for it to be quiet again, but that's what you call 'family'. At almost any given time, you will find my mom, dad, Erika, Elisa, Samantha, Tyler, Seviryn, Aiyana, and Maile...along with a dog, 2 cats and 7 kittens in my house at once....oh and me. That is a crap load of talking, screaming creatures walking in a 2,000 square foot house! Erika and her 3 kids don't even live there! (hint hint..hahahaha) Just pointing that out because earlier today, without realizing it, I insulted my sister when I asked her when she was leaving with her kids...oh well sorry Erika. I love my family, I love my family.

          Now that my little frustrated lapse is over, I'm going to discuss a few awesome parts of a Starbucks winter. For one, it means far less frappuccinos, which for many many baristas means joy! I don't know why, but I would rather make a hot beverage over a frappuccino, hands down anytime....especially in a rush. Anything that requires you to walk away from the hot beverage bar towards the frappuccino bar is just an inconvenience. When I use to work the night shift (and no I'm not talking about a street corner job), my favorite parts were when people would come in to my Starbucks, and be filled with this cheer, a cheer that let everyone know that they loved life. And it was amazing to see people and their friends or family come in, order their favorite holiday drink (peppermint mocha, eggnog latte) and sit down and enjoy the night. It made me appreciate and further love my job. And if you want to really make us baristas happy...clean up after yourselves and put the chairs back to the appropriate tables. It makes our jobs easier and makes us like you more. Hey, maybe we'll take our sample tray to your table first so you can take the larger pieces of cranberry bliss bar :)

Today's words of advice: Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Happy Starbucks Hallo-thanks-mas everybody!

It's that time of year again...for Starbucks.

Yes, Halloween was just 2 days ago, and it was AWESOME! But I will talk more about that in a second.

            For any seasoned barista, and that means any barista who has survived the last holiday season beginning around Halloween, we begin to mentally prepare ourselves for the bi-polar lashing of our customers. For many of our customers, the only time you see the whites of their teeth are right before Thanksgiving, and sometimes that can mean MORE tips, but other times, that means they are only showing their grinch-like smiles. Don't get me wrong, the Fall-through-Christmas season is most definitely my favorite, but at the Bux it's all over the place.

    It means rollouts, pumpkin spice lattes, red Christmas cups, peppermint mochas, eggnog lattes, gingerbread lattes, cranberry-bliss bars, store decorations, red aprons, and joy joy joy joy joy. But when it comes to the cleaning, it means snow...and snow only means dirty, nasty, street-salt water stained floors that need to be mopped more than once a day. AHHHHH!!! OK, I'll live.

            But anyways, Halloween was tight. After 3 years, we were allowed to dress up in our costumes at work again. So that alone made my day. Since Halloween was on a Sunday, and I open every Sunday, I knew it was going to be a quick morning. Obviously, most of our customers either work or go to school on Monday, and that meant they got all their partying and drunkenness done the night before my open....so it was an easy, slow morning. I showed up to work wearing a lot of random clothing and huge glasses, while my fellow barista showed up in her pajamas. The best part of the day, besides for getting to eat candy at 5AM, was getting to make almost every customer including the grumpy ones crack a smile. We looked ridiculous! Sometimes wearing a uniform is uncomfortable, so my first choice was comfort.....hence the picture below.

Also, I highly recommend enjoying a nice Pumpkin Spice Latte on Halloween, it definitely helps capture the whole Fall season....if you don't like them then we can't be friends anymore.

          Outside of Starbucks, this was only my second year of not going trick-or-treating. Yeah yeah, I know. It's still a little sad to think about the fact that I am now passed the age of having to care about anything but how much candy I will get, but also amazing to see my little nieces and nephew grow up. My parents moved into our most recent home only 3 months after I was born, so just over 20 years ago. There are 250 houses in my neighborhood, so 10-13 years ago...Halloween was INSANE. Almost every single house handed out candy and the child population was ridiculous. Back when I was 10 years old, kids were everywhere! We would get so much candy we could barely carry our pillow cases anymore. And back in the day, most of the kids made their own costumes, nowadays, they buy all these slutty nasty costumes and come home with a fourth of what we got. It's still hilarious though. Below is a picture of my little niece Aiyana dressed in her store bought princess costume. You can probably tell where she gets her good looks from. Oh yeah, it was about 45 degrees outside....she was not happy.

            Now when it comes to Thanksgiving at Starbucks, the only notable thing to mention is the Thanksgiving Blend Coffee. And it's actually not bad stuff. Also, the pumpkin spice continues for awhile after this. Thanksgiving  means a holiday with a time and 1/2 pay rate which is nice for people who work that day, but I tend to not work it because I have personally cooked every holiday meal since I was 13....and I'm not giving up anytime soon. I might actually get to work the opening shift and get off early enough to give me time to cook, but that is all up to my awesome manager.

~~~~~~
I was going to write about that Starbucks hell called Christmas, but it hurts too much to talk about right now....give me a day or two.

Seacrest out!

it's a beautiful world.

To Write Love On Her Arms

 This is a post about To Write Love on Her Arms...

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.


This is their story..


Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes

more Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
 
I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.
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BULLY.rape.BULLY.murder.BULLY.thief.TAKE ACTION

The title runs pretty smoothly.

    "Good management and bullying have as much in common as great sex and rape."
Sadly, as vulger as this sounds, it is beyond the truth. Bullying needs to stop.

The fact that I am still alive today, while the rest of those kids who have committed suicide, is a miracle. Like physical strength, there is only so much emotional abuse someone can deal with before the weight comes crashing down (or at least what they thought was all their options) before taking their own lives seems easier. But this should never be an option for anyone. It is quite upsetting to think about, but sometimes the only reason I was never pushed over the edge was because I've experienced the pain of the suicides of fellow classmates, teachers, family members and friends. And recently after seeing all the pain, it made me realize how much I was bullied as a child and as a teen, and honestly to this day, bullyied in the workplace.

          I was first bullied in the third grade when my body was in the process of changing and so I got a little chunky, but really, who doesn't? It never bothered me until a kid in my class, who I still see from time to time, would bully me over almost anything, but especially because I was a little chunky. I went to that grade school for 7 years, and for 4 of those years, I went through hell. Either I was made fun of for being chunky, not having cool enough gym shoes, my school shorts being too long or too short, the cars my parents drove, or the gaps in my teeth....it all conflicted some sort of pain on me that stayed with me to this day. I know this sounds weird, but when I got to the 5th or 6th grade, I had pretty much given up all hope on having guy friends, because honestly, they were mean bullies. I was recently talking with one of my friends and was discussing why I usually get along better with girls, and the fact that I was bullied by the boys was brought up. I didn't dare sign up for the boys basketball team in 5th grade because the bully always managed to find something to make fun of me over. And growing up, girls were the ones who always reassured me that I was nothing the bully described me as. Girls were always dramatic, but they were nicer.

BULLIES SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!
To this day, I still work with bullies. How these people were hired and still continue to have a job and get paid, completely blows my mind. A bully should be treated the same as a murderer, the only difference between the two is that the one who is bullied isn't dead, yet. I thank God that laws are being changed and bullying is being taken more seriously, but it all came at a price of its last victims.

          Being an original is one of the greatest gifts of life, and I wish more people would take advantage of it. The very same thing that is our life and everything about us is so easily ridiculed and so easily taken away from us. Unfortunately, many employers and employees do not take action to stop bullying when they see it. There are three groups created by bullying; it involves the victim, the bystander, and the bully himself. At different moments in my life, I have played the victim and then sometimes the bystander. It sucks.

Bullying is not just a tragedy, it's a crisis.

An Important Message - From Ellen DeGeneres (Gay Suicide)