It's November. Let me repeat...it's freaking November! Where has this year gone? I swear for the past few years, I say this more and more. I guess this comes with old age. Right now I'm sitting in my house, because it's too cold outside, and I'm writing this blog post surrounded by four cats and a dog. Two of the kittens should've been out of the house a long time ago, but I have procrastinated doing that because they're cute as hell. But that's what I do...I procrastinate, I'll tell you all about that later...
I love November, I just hate how quickly it arrives. When the days become shorter, everyone's emotions run high. Customers are crappy, and so are the baristas. I think this season makes everyone depressed, but when the sun is out, it all changes. I actually feel motivated to write a little today. It's been awhile but who cares. I have my coffee and my iPad so I'm good to go.
You all know a little bit about my journey with getting (back?) in shape and probably understand why it's been a struggle for me from my past posts. Everyone who has ever struggled with their weight knows that there is a deeper darker reason for the problem. A lot of it is because of emotional eating. We do it because it makes us feel better for a little bit. But after we do it, we then feel even worse than we originally did. We all have our reasons and we all have our insecurities. Looking at me, you would probably roll your eyes at the fact that I have a weight problem. You might even want to smack me in the face. But for me, food was a solution to my problems as a child. The biggest problem was bullies in grade school. Over the last year, it has become clearer and clearer that bullies were my issue. After the wide-coverage of teen suicides about a year ago, it became evident that I struggled with their same problems. I was never suicidal or really even close to it, but I knew what they were going through. Even at 20 years old, I was still having to deal with a bully at work and it was tearing me apart. After I got promoted and left that hell, I could now get back up on my feet. And this is probably the hardest part. I have to learn how to control my emotional eating and deal with my issues. My friends could probably tell you that I am a very confident person and highly sarcastic, which might be a problem in some areas of my life, but in the end, they wouldn't expect me to have a problem. The nice part is, I'm finally moving forward and I am proud to say that I am kicking it's ass.
In mid-September, I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" and it was a huge eye opener for me. It had a two-week detox program for people wanting to get back on their feet and reboot their bodies. For two weeks, I juiced like crazy. I had to give up sugar, caffeine, alcohol, meat, wheat, nuts, dairy...and pretty much EVERYTHING that wasn't a fruit or vegetable. It was difficult but I made it through it and I feel great. I lost about 13 lbs in fifteen days and a few weeks afterwards I only gained a few pounds back, which is normal. About eleven days ago, I decided I wanted to become a vegetarian until Thanksgiving Day, where I will most likely completely reverse everything I worked for, seeing that it's my favorite holiday. But by then, I plan to lose another 13 pounds. I have 23 days and I know I can do it! I just literally have to work my ass off.
Recently, I've been trying to change my outlook on life. For so long, I was afraid of change, afraid of exploring the outside world. I have all these dreams and aspirations but have been moving in neutral gear. Ive done nothing. I realized that until I change, until I actually do something to change, my dreams will only be a fantasy. God has blessed me with an amazing life, but I need to continue discovering what all that actually is. I have settled for a mediocre life for so long, thinking that this is all God has given me, but it isn't. I will never know what I can do, things I can change, people I can inspire and my inner gifts if I stay still. God didn't give me feet to walk a mile, He gave me the ability to go where I please and build my life around Him. And from what I've heard, the world is a big place full of crazy opportunities. I just can't be a wuss anymore.
"If fear is all that we should fear, then what are we so afraid of? Fear is only in our head. So why do we let it control us?"
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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