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For anyone to have to deal with a death of a loved one can be the hardest obstacle to go through in life. Whether its a parent, a sibling, a best friend, or another family's loved one, for someone to go through a phase in their life that is filled with grieving people is not so easy. When this happens in the middle of high school, it can be even more challenging. On August 24th 2007, only two days after I entered into my junior year of high school, at an instant, I had to step up as a best friend and immediately learn how to manage being there for someone whose life had drastically changed forever. This wasn't just an accidental death, or even an honorable one; it was a suicide. I mean, how can anyone deal with the fact that their own brother was so sick and depressed, that he chose to end his own life? What was I suppose to do? How was I suppose to act? Or even more importantly, what was I suppose to say to her? On August 24th, my life had changed forever.
It was a Friday afternoon, the day had so far been pretty awesome. Homework was light, cause we were only a few days into the school year, and the weather wasn't too bad either. Like usual, my sister and I arrived home from school at about 3:30pm. I was excited cause I finally got to rest. As I walked inside my house, I immediately heard the phone ring. I looked at the caller I.D. and noticed it was the del Pilars number. So like usual, I answered and said “Hey, whats up?”. What I heard next wasn't what I expected, but at the same time, I wasn't surprised. This definitely was not the first time Stephanie called me while crying. I mean, what can I say, she's a girl and they tend to do that a lot. I asked her what was wrong, but all I continued to hear was her crying. After an awkward ten seconds or so, she replied, “My brother died...he killed himself.” Right away, believing it to be a joke, I said “Haha, that's not funny!”, but she still continued to cry. Right then and there, I felt my heart sink. I got the feeling you get when you get butterflies in your stomach, but it wasn't the good feeling. I was completely speechless and scared. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there for a while, clueless to what I should do. “Sorry” just didn't seem like the right thing to say. So I just told her I was coming over right away. The phone call lasted no more than forty-five seconds. After I got off the phone, I told my mom what had happened, myself not too sure. I told her I was going straight over and needed to use her van, since I didn't have enough time to stop and put gas in my car. As I got the keys and started the van, my moms radio was set to Sunny 101.5 and the song “The Arms of an Angel” was just finishing. I got goose-bumps. As I was pulling out of my neighborhood, P. Diddy's version of “I'll Be Missing You” came on. And yes, that was about the death of a loved one. I couldn't stand it so I hit off the radio. I almost began crying right there. All I could think about is what exactly I should do when I get there, what I should say, and I told myself that I wouldn't cry in front of them. So many things were going through my head at that very time, so all I could do was ask God to help me with this. I knew there was a lot on my plate and I couldn't handle it alone. After a few minutes, I couldn't stand driving with it so quiet in the car, so I turned the radio back on. Right away, the song “Lean On Me” came on. And as corny as it was, for the song about how to be a friend to someone who has been struggling, it couldn't have helped any better.
As I pulled up to the del Pilars house, the girls were outside on their porch crying. I kept telling myself, “OK Ben, hold it together.” But as soon as I walked up the steps to where they were standing, before I reached Stephanie, everything just came out. No one could hold in the pain. Was it selfish of me to be pissed off and sad at the same time. I felt bad for she and her family, but I couldn't help but also be angry at Adam for what he had put them through. Though I had only met him a few times before that day, I felt like I had known him forever. The anger and sadness he had put my best friend in as they grew up together had passed on to me. When I would see him, at what I also called home, I couldn't help but resent him a little. But after I got over the fact that it wasn't Adam's fault, I realized that depression is a sickness. He had struggled with it almost his entire life. Though I grieved over his death, I ultimately felt even worse for the family he left behind. After his parents found out about his suicide, their immediate reaction was guilt. They blamed themselves for everything. They did everything they could do for him, yet they still thought there was more they should have done. They believed it was their fault after they kicked him out of the house for his drug abuse and other negative ways of life. After about a half an hour, all of us came inside. As I walked in the front door, I saw Dr. del Pilar sitting in a chair across the room from me. He had a blank gray face. He just sat there for hours in total shock. Nothing going on in his head except the realization of his son's death. He was completely still. Once Mrs. del Pilar saw me come inside, she came straight up and hugged me, with her make-up smeared across her face. She thanked me for being there for the family, but most importantly, for Stephanie. She knew Stephanie never opened up to many people beside myself. Though Mrs. del Pilar was not Adam's biological mother, she treated him as her own. It was as hard for her as it was for anyone close to him. The next few days were hell for them. Because Adam took his life away in Georgia, where his real mother lives, they had to make arrangements to get him here to be buried. I had gone with Stephanie to the funeral home a few days before the funeral to bring things to her father, who was there preparing for a day he should never have to see, and he was still grieving over his son. As I walked in the room, I saw Adam lying there. There wasn't any life left in him.
Not long after seeing Adam for the first time since his death, it was time for the funeral. When I walked into the church, Alex runs up and hugs me. Then I look over and see Mr and Mrs del Pilar. I immediately go and speak with them before I continue to my seat. The entire church was packed, people were even standing on the sides because of the lack of space in the huge room. There must have been four hundred people there. Once Alex gets up to speak in front of the people, everyone begins balling after she talks about Adam as a child and what he was like as a big brother to her. Dr del Pilar also gets up to speak, and I could see guilt in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He spoke of his son the way every father should. Instead of speaking for himself, he spoke for others. He didn't try to make people feel bad for he or his family, he only tried to tell them what not to do. He told parents to let their children dream, and support their dreams. He came to the realization that his son's dreams weren't Adam's, but his own. He encouraged parents to love their children for who they are, and not for what they should become.
After the funeral mass, the casket was carried outside and was taken to the cemetery as all the people followed. I knew that this would be the most difficult step for the family. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the air was warm. It wasn't anything like I had imagined a burial would look like. As everyone walked towards the spot where Adam would be lowered in to, you could feel the pain and sadness. I stood a few feet away from the family as they stood by the casket. Mrs del Pilar had been so strong until Adam was being lowered. It was now time for her to let out her pain. The moment the casket lowered, she began to fall. She fell on her knees and began to scream and cry. It almost appeared as if she was fighting to bring him back. Everyone stood around with tears in their eyes as they listened to her flow of pain. Like she had been so strong for her children and husband, now they had to be strong for her. I knew that the next year would be the hardest for them; and it was. From the day Adam died, I told Stephanie the truth. I told her that this would be the most difficult time of her life, but she had to continue staying strong. She was not a child and she didn't want to be lied to as if she was one. I told her that it would most likely get worse for awhile before it got better, but I continued to reassure her that it would get better. I also had to tell myself the same thing. I had to tell myself everything would get better, I would just have to think positively. Giving advice is easy, but when a situation like this happened, I got scared. I had to believe in myself and trust that I could help her.
It has been almost a year and a half since Adam's death. Stephanie and her family have all opened up more than ever. They have become better people to themselves and others. People always ask why God has to put such horrible burdens on great people; I use to ask the same thing, but I realized that He does this because great people inspire great things. Those people who were created with such attractive personalities attract more people. Like with the del Pilars, they had something happen to them that eventually brought themselves and others closer together and more importantly, closer to God. When people ask God for things, He gives it to them in ways they don't expect.
“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience, or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If they prayed for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?”
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